社交烦躁

Nightling Bug 🗝️ @NightlingBug

When you interact with very masculine men, you're nervous. You don't really know how to carry on a conversation with them, or want to. You feel an expectation, from them, to be something you're not. You quietly judge them for being too "bro"-y, "basic."

Nightling Bug 🗝️ @NightlingBug

Being vulnerable around strange men is terrifying. You're anxious when you use the public men's room. Changing in a gym locker room is unthinkable. You do not feel ownership of these spaces. You are very concerned about strange men observing you, or your body.

Nightling Bug 🗝️ @NightlingBug

You're awkward at social touch. You might crave touch, like most people, but you feel like you're almost entirely incapable of receiving it warmly. When giving a hug, something about your torso feels like it will be *offensive* to others. (Whatever it is, they don't notice.)

Nightling Bug 🗝️ @NightlingBug

You can't talk about sex, or attraction, or the bodies of people you're supposed to be attracted to. Even when your commentary is solicited, everything you could say feels unwanted and inappropriate, even if it'd be fine coming from someone else. You freeze up.

Nightling Bug 🗝️ @NightlingBug

You struggle even to voice innocent physical compliments to others, like "Looking good!" You are hyper-aware that virtually anything could sound like unwanted sexual attention, coming from you. You feel like your attention is uniquely, universally unwelcome.

Nightling Bug 🗝️ @NightlingBug

When an AFAB friend expresses disapproval, you're devastated. You scramble to get their approval back. You're worried you're coming across as a simpering "nice guy," all of whom you despise. You just value your AFAB friends' opinions more highly, for reasons you can't explain.

所有的社交性别烦躁都与一个核心概念有关:社会认为我是什么性别?社交烦躁关乎外界如何看待你,如何称呼你,以及你应当如何称呼他们。社交烦躁在性别觉醒前后表现不同。

当你还在黑暗中的时候,你只是觉得与其他人的相处方式不太正常,与你出生指派性别相同的人觉得你们的相处方式不自然。别人的行为习惯让人感到惊奇,而与你真正性别相同的人相处更容易。你与更接近自我的人相连。

例如,一个出生为男性的跨儿可能觉得在男性群体中非常不舒服。他们可能觉得与男性同龄人格格不入。男性化的社交很不自然,模仿男性朋友会很尴尬。他们可能会更多地享受与女性的友谊,但对阻止建立精神友谊的性别规范和异性恋规范感到失望。女性想建立友谊关系就会有这种情况。当女性出于原则而回避时,他们可能深受伤害。

当意识到性别不一致时,这种错误的感受就会加剧;当认识到自我时,这种感受会呈现出新的形态。对于二元性别的跨儿来说,这可能与被当作真实性别的强烈需求有关。当被以不分性别的方式称呼,被不同的人当作不同性别,或人们因为无法分辨性别而感到困惑时,一些非二元性别者会感到性别亢奋。

错误代词和错认性别的情况发生时,社交烦躁会发作;用“她”、“他”等与性别不一致的代词称呼是非常令人沮丧的。当然,包括顺性别者在内的人不尽然如此,但如果一名顺性别者因被叫错性别而感到侮辱,那么一名跨儿也会受伤。就像黑板上的钉子,或者用钢丝球擦皮肤。使用错误代词意味着正和你说话的人不认可你的性别。

如果一个人用中性代词而故意避开相应的代词,二元性别的跨儿也会感到不安。他人不知道该用什么代词称呼跨性别者时应当询问他们的代词。但矛盾的是,即使在这种情况下,因为某些人希望被当作顺性别者,询问代词的行为本身也可能导致性别烦躁。这就是第22条军规(译注:指两难境地)。

恐跨人士拒绝使用正确代词,但用错误代词会惹麻烦时,他们会恶意地使用“Ta”这种中性代词。这种情况下语气和意图很重要。

名字也是一样。不了解的话用出生姓名没什么问题,但故意这么说就是强烈的厌烦了。

当按指派性别生活时,被认成真实性别可能会兴奋或尴尬。比如:

  • 为了侮辱名个出生指派性别为男性的跨儿而称其为女孩,这只会让她们脸红,而非生气。
  • 称呼一名出生指派性别为女性的跨儿为先生可能会感觉更好。
Dr. Emmy Zje @Emmy_Zje

The irony in “trans women mimic gender stereotypes” is the only time I DID mimic stereotypes was when I was forced to interact with men. And I did so out of a sense of survival and a longing to try and fit in.

I didn’t transition into stereotypes…I transitioned out of them.

社交烦躁引起的不适会迫使跨儿以夸张的行为宣告自我。倾向女性认同的跨儿(transfeminine)可能会而为了显得更端庄而化妆、穿女性化的衣服、用更细的声音说话。倾向男性认同的跨儿(transmasculine)会选择男性化的穿衣风格,站得更挺拔,压抑情感的表达,大声且粗声说话。

身体烦躁与社交烦躁

某些跨儿厌恶的体征,其他人可能只表现为社交烦躁。例如,因为外表被认错性别或被认成跨儿才会不舒服,而在以真实性别生活的环境中感到舒适。

我在嗓音上没有直接的身体烦躁,我其实很喜欢用男中音唱歌,在家会让嗓音放松下来。然而在公共场合,声音对女性身份至关重要,所以我花了很多精力练声。我会下意识地在接电话或离开家的那一刻用女声。

我们不孤单!

一个非常奇怪且令人惊讶的现象是,未出柜的跨儿会潜意识地找同类。我好几次听说过一个有趣的模式:一群朋友中的一个人意识到自己是跨性别者并开始转变,其他成员也意识到自己是跨儿并出柜。

kiva @persenche

@Whorrorer i can know a cis woman for a year and not feel like i'm all that close to her.

i can know a trans woman for three hours and feel like i've known her my whole life.

跨儿潜意识地受到相互友谊的吸引,一方面是需要想法和行为相同且不批评的同伴,另一方面是社会排斥导致的亲情。当然,这不是跨儿的专利,其他的酷儿也会这样,但它的连锁反应是相当强大的。这非常类似于一群朋友因为一个结婚生子而都结婚生子的现象。

跨儿在转变后也经常继续混圈子,因为我们比顺性别者更了解彼此。当一群跨儿聚在一起时,屋子里会充满友情和同情。我们有过如此多的共同经历,以至于一见面就结合在一起了(除了性格冲突)。