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It turns out this was dissociative behavior, which is actually really common in trans people. I do this a lot less since transitioning, but I still do it.

I did (and still do, to a degree) a lot of things to handle derealization and depersonalization and dissociation; I'd consciously feel my breathing, I'd touch something study and solid, I'd recite dates. Stuff to ground me in the real world when everything felt unreal.

I dissociate more productively now; I start analyzing my situation and emotional state and start turning it into a fiction i can write later. I try not to, to be honest; I try to be present in my feelings and experiences more. But it's hard not to place an analytical layer up.

At the same time, I'm very aware that I do that *less and less and less*, that analytical wall in between me and the universe -- the shit that got me really deep into philosophy -- isn't up as much anymore.

Sometimes I just think "oh my god this is what existence is like for most people" and it's still something crazy and new to me, to live and not constantly detach from the universe.